I don’t want to

Today has been one of them long never ending days. The ones where even after you’ve just opened your eyes you know it’s going to be exhausting and you just don’t want to deal with it. These days normally start with children arguing over the television in another room, or an alarm that goes off on someone’s forgotten watch hiding under the bed, A child who thinks that 6am is the perfect time to nag mummy for breakfast and then refuse to eat it EVEN after you have given them their chosen food.

Yup today I simply don’t want to.

I don’t want to adult.
I don’t want to wife.
I don’t want to parent.
I don’t want to be jumping up and down constantly to get drinks for children.
I don’t want to make beds, wash dishes or clean the floor AGAIN for the 100th time this week.
I don’t want to think about dinner, What the heck do I feed them TODAY?! everyday something new to be thought of to fill hungry bellies.
I don’t want to make the lunch that the children will be fussy over, One wants this and another wants that.
I don’t want to be changing nappies or soothing booboos on knees and elbows.
I don’t want to talk to anyone and I sure don’t want to pretend that I am happy.

I just don’t want to anymore.

Do you get these days? where it all just seems like it’s too much? where you feel the weight of the thankless tasks that you do every day of your life. Where the movie Groundhog Day actually rings true. Where you open your Facebook and the very same stuff fills your newsfeed?

That’s me today. I don’t want to deal with any of it.

It’s night time now, it’s 9:33pm and although I am at the point of exhaustion where my ears are ringing, my head is throbbing and my body/mind/soul is craving sleep, i’m refusing to go. Although I know tomorrow I will cry for the hours of sleep that I missed tonight by being so stubborn and refusing to give up just that small fraction of time where I don’t need to be anyone but MYSELF.

The kids are asleep, My husband is at work and i’m here wishing I was anywhere else doing anything else.

Do you get much time to yourself? without the children? without the husband? without any responsibilities, simply time out of the house where you are untimed, unhurried, not texted or called but simply can BE ALONE? I don’t. I never do, and I cannot remember who I am anymore.

Am I Lisa the mum?
Am I Lisa the wife?
Am I Lisa the student?
Am I Lisa the house cleaner (in my own home) But no difference really is there? it’s STILL work.

Who am I?

So as I sit drinking an overly strong, very sweet huge mug of French earl grey tea which is one of my favourites, I am contemplating and dreaming of a time less stressed, less demanding, less worked andΒ less tired.

Had to get that out, I feel a bit better now, I hope your day today and the next is better than what mine was today.

 

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